me being woman supporting another woman.

/ Juni 06, 2018 /
never in million years i'd thought i would write about a dangdut singer here, in my blog. sebelum kita petik konklusi dari kalimat sebelumnya, here: it wasn't because i hate dangdut, nor i think it was countrified, or that i was too cool for listening too dangdut. we are all have difference preferences when it comes to music and apparently mine wasn't in dangdut. it may be yours or it may be not, neither matters to me.

what matters is, i woke up today and i read this. please read it beforehand.

now have you read?

no way you live in indonesia and haven't heard of via vallen unless you're living inside a cave or under the rock or not being actively exist in social medias like me, but i have heard of her anyway. she's like the new it girl in music industry apparently, like legit her video had trended for a week straight or something in youtube. her songs are everywhere.

now lets just ignore that cringy "you know my name not my story" she wrote. ugh, i just hate wrote that. not trying to shift focus on the real problem here. so the report is about her being harassed through direct message of her social media account. a guy, a soccer player, went message her and being a prick he was (which is an understatement), he's asking for a sign (is ok) in his bedroom (is not ok) while also asking her to wear sexy clothes (also not ok) wear sexy clothes (also not ok) 

my first reaction is: i hope he go screw himself. 

my next reaction is: i hope she told her to go screw himself. 

the rest of conversation you can read on source i linked. 

what makes me wanted to pulled my hair was the reaction of people that saw their exchange  (that she published). now, being me, before i read those comments left by people being negative towards her, i thought,

"no need to hide his identity. expose the harasser." 

apparently some people are disagree. they asked her why would she publish it? is she trying to prove a point that she's being seduced a famous soccer player? is she an attention whore?? its her personal problem we don't care and she should just keep it to herself???? 

those are ignorant. but what makes me finally pulled my hair out were: 

"he's handsome though, so its okay." 

lmao. yes. i bet if you are raped by someone and they're good looking, it is okay. it wasn't like your they're good looking, it is okay. it wasn't like your consent matters. it wasn't like they commited a crime. they're good looking, that's all that matters.

its okay, right? because its happening to other person. that other person is apparently a woman. that woman is apparently a dangdut singer. that dangdut singer is apparently, being stereotyped, is always acting sexy on stage wearing sexy clothes and singing song that probably about sex. so its okay. its not like she is human first above everything else. 



being a kpop nerd, i flew back to august of last year. taeyeon, one of snsd girl group member just came here. landed on jakarta, wearing a cute top crop and a jeans, guarded by her bodyguard, ready to greet her fans at the airport. 

only to be groped by some brainless people. until the point that she's cried. 

i can't believe just yesterday i talked to my friend about it. alot of kpop celebrities are choosing to check out from airport through vvip gate now that the kind incident happened too often. sigh. like one incident is not often enough. 

what i couldn't believe from those days are the moments i read some comments justifying the harassment by basically saying "she should've expect it since she's wearing such sexy outfits at stage" or "she shouldn't wear those in indonesia" or "she should just accept the risk, it's part of her job."

what if people that harassed her should stop doing it? 

seems like an idea? let me put it the other way. 

orang yang nyalahin perempuan ketika dilecehkan adalah orang yang nyalahin rumah ga terkunci yang kecolongan. they're being blinded. the fact that no bulglary will happen if there is no theft, people can accept. but no rape will happen if there is no rapist, hard for them to diggest.


aku adalah orang yang selalu pake celana atau rok lebih panjang dari pada lutut. atau baju dengan lengan yang lebih panjang dari siku. but its not me believing that wearing less or revealing clothes is asking to be harassed or raped. its just me, being ugly. which is the entire different story than this.

other things i believe: that we should just stop, stop, stop victim blaming. there is a reason i expect #metoo movement will not affect indonesian entertainment movement will not affect indonesian entertainment industry by soon. its because of our mentality. which used to be me, may be my parents, maybe you, maybe alot of us.

di atas semuanya: consent matters. konsen itu penting. cuman karena cewek di berita bilang dia dilecehkan sama pacarnya dan orang-orang ga akan peduli sama berita itu karena, dia pacarnya, pasti mereka suka sama suka. no! cuman karena seorang selebriti suka pake rok pendek disentuh-sentuh badannya dan orang-orang akan teriak salah dia sendiri pake baju terbuka. no!

just. let us stop being idiot and start identify the human in us.

Just a quick update.

/ November 19, 2017 /
Halo. Let's start this with a cliche halo karena sebenernya aku ga tau gimana harus ngebuka sebuah post. I'm sort of back? I set up this blog private for awhile because, I kinda hate myself. Aku nge-set blog ini jadi private beberapa waktu lalu, semua gara-gara aku salah pencet salah satu post yang harusnya buat draft, dan aku pencet publish.. like, fml. I hate being exposed jadi aku hapus post-nya dan bagian pikiran aku yang irasional dengan agresif mutusin buat nge-private blog. tapi sekarang setelah beberapa saat, aku bikin publik lagi. Karena.. nothing to lose? And literally no one cares? So yea.

Sejujurnya, males buat bahas ini lagi tapi: I struggle to write. Nulis jadi hal yang berat sekarang. Sejak lama sih, beberapa tahun terakhir mungkin. I think part of the reason why writing seems so hard for me is bc I set up standard way too high for myself--and then I realized that honestly I cannot write that good (or just realized that I suck, in other words)--so I went by the saying "go big or go home".. and I am so obviously go home. Entah bagian mana yang salah. Bahkan uda jarang lagi nulis catetan-catetan kecil tentang hal-hal yang ga penting buat dibahas. Aku bahkan uda mual sama yang namanya quotes sekarang. Lucu, sih. Aku pernah jadi orang yang suka banget sama kata-kata cantik, manis, puitis blah. Kalo ada orang nulis, "..bayangan bulan yang jatuh di matamu" atau "..cinta yang berjalan dalam labirin yang gelap", atau kaya gitulah. I would love it. My old self would love it so much. Seratus persen. No question needed. Sayangnya, entah di jalan mana kita pisah. Now I hate words like that. I hate pretty words with my whole being. It feels fkn meaningless.

Dan entah gimana itu penting.

Just like I said in the title, it's an quick update, the same old me whining about irrelevant little things. Aku punya beberapa draft buat ditulis. Dan goal-nya adalah publish seenggaknya empat post sebelum 2018! For the first time in a while I feel like getting direction. Ugh.

/n: and I edit my 'about me' page pls do check them if you haven't alr!


/ Februari 02, 2017 /

Based on the prompt: Places you’ve lived or houses you’ve lived in, and who you “were” at that time.


Kadang-kadang, bangun tidur jam setengah sembilan pagi, nemu kalo rumah kosong dan ga ada suara selain kendaraan lewat depan rumah adalah kondisi yang aneh. Semua lampu uda dimatiin, tv ga nyala, dan gada suara orang buka tutup kulkas.

That was me for awhile. Sampai sekarang malah. Ga peduli seberapa lama aku uda ga lagi harus berangkat sekolah jam enam dan pulang jam empat—yang mana kondisi pas rumah lagi rame-ramenya—I found myself weirdly unused to that feeling. Kalau emang rumah ada hantunya, mungkin hantu-hantu itu uda biasa sama setting sepi kaya gini. Tapi bukan aku, yang biasa ada di rumah di jam-jam high peak: penuh sama anak kecil, suara ngobrol yang kadang-kadang obnoxiously loud, selalu ada orang di semua ruangan.

And that feeling growing bigger as this house has renovated. Banyak hal yang berubah: beberapa hal yang ga berubah cuman adek yang tetep ga berani tidur sendiri, masih sulit untuk jaga kamar tetep rapi.

Dan satu di antara sekian hal yang berubah, salah satu hal dan hal yang menginspirasi tulisan ini adalah sekarang kita punya kamar sholat. Kamar yang sekarang uda jejer tiga dari paling timur: kamar adek, kamar aku, dan kamar sholat. Kalo ga salah hitung, udah 11 tahun sejak terakhir punya kamar sholat. Terakhir kami punya kamar sholat adalah di "rumah belakang". Digging this topic means digging out the earliest memories of my childhood.


Someone said home might not be a place but rather a person. Tapi buat aku, home is a home quite literally waktu masih tinggal di rumah belakang.

Rumah belakang cuman beda beberapa meter dari rumah aku yang sekarang. Bedanya, kita harus masuk ke blok gang kecil. Berdiri satu kavling sama rumah punya saudara. Kavlingnya not by any means kecil, walaupun bangunan yang berdiri di atasnya iya. I'm not good at measuring things and too lazy to check how large it is in meter but it quite large heheh gede aja pokoknya.

Hal pertama yang aku inget adalah, halamannya yang luas, tapi ga berasa lapangan karena ayah dulu adalah orang yang sedikit obsesi sama gardening. Uda lupa tanaman-tanaman apa aja yang ada di halamannya tapi yang jelas inget kalo ada pohon besaran disana (cross-checked thing di google dan ternyata Bahasa Indonesianya murbei—kangen besaran, uda bertahun-tahun sejak ga makan) Kalo berdasar sama ingatan, mungkin lebarnya tujuh kali tujuh meter? Yang jelas halamannya makan a good half of space we own back then.

Rumah belakang cuman sebuah rumah yang dalamnya dipisah sama gedek (google cross checked lagi untuk Bahasa Indonesia nya dan ha! anyaman bambu) Malah kalo sekarang diingat-ingat lagi curiga kalo sebenernya bagian belakang rumah, dapur dan kamar mandi sebenernya gada karena bener cuman dari gedek. Dan meanwhile sebagian besar bagian rumah belakang lantainya adalah plester semen, di bagian dapur cuman dilapisi tanah. It was clear as water that my family lived in a state of poverty back then. Walau mama ayah sama-sama kerja, tapi profesi guru bukan profesi idaman dulu, menurut impresi aku. How things change, eh?

Dan ga ada orang yang punya kamar sendiri haha. Aku, mama, sama ayah tidur di tempat tidur di depan tv. Ada dua kamar sebenernya, satu adalah kamar tempat lemari-lemari baju dan buku-buku, satunya adalah kamar sholat. How I wish aku punya kamar sholat model kaya gitu sekarang, karena kamu bisa ngintip semacam kebun dari jendela kamar sholat dan anginnya masuk sepoi sepoi dari jendela itu. It might be distorted by my biased memory but it was quite a peaceful place.


Sampai sekarang, ga ada orang yang punya foto apa-apa tentang rumah itu. Rumahnya boleh kecil, tapi kenangannya besar.

Ga terlalu banyak yang bisa di dig sebenernya dari memori payah aku. Kenangan nonton sinetron abal-abal malam hari (dan yang bikin aku nahan diri saat adek nonton sinetron Anak Jalanan karena I'd do the same if I was her age). Sarapan jam enam pagi sebelum berangkat sekolah. Narik-narik kaleng air dari sumur (masih ingat kalo aku heran kenapa pas ditarik airnya bersih padahal kalo dilihat kedalam airnya hitam?). Nahan diri ga ambil besaran habis kena cacar digigit semut merah. Dengan bodoh dan ga pedulinya duduk di atas tumpukan tanah di halaman, ngotor-ngotorin baju.

Pergi ke kondangan saudara—enggak jauh sih, cuman beda dua blok. Pulang dan nemu kalo ternyata dapurnya uda terendam air, kena banjir. Cerita ini ga dilandas kenangan, tapi cerita mama. I don't remember this part but it is quite hilarious to imagine, mama belum hapus makeup kondangan dan harus bantu ayah bersihin banjir dapur. What a mess banget kan.


Things happened and we were forced to move out.

Masih inget baru bangun dari bobok siang dan mama bilang, "mulai besok pindah ke rumah depan, ya." Seorang anak kecil, delapan tahun, ga ngerti apa-apa tentang properti rumah, atau status kepemilikan, dan bahkan mungkin ga ngerti siapa nama uti yang ketemu tiap harinya, bahkan dalam state of idiot itu aku tau kalo kita bakal pindah, kita mesti pindah. Kalo diibaratkan sekarang, rasanya kaya naik kendaraan dan tau kita bakal nabrak beberapa detik sebelum kita bener-bener nabrak.

Cuman dengan durasi yang lebih lama—days instead of seconds. Dengan intensitas sakit yang beda—mentally instead of physically.

Rumah itu jelas bukan rumah pertama yang keluarga aku tinggali. Mungkin sebelumnya tinggal di rumah uti, walau aku samasekali ga punya memori tinggal di rumah uti sebelum tinggal di rumah belakang. Sampai sekarang aku ga ngerti kenapa aku harus nangis saat pindah dari rumah itu. I mean, a merely eight years old, barely know nothing about the world. Ga akan ada bedanya walaupun harus tinggal di rumah belakang atau di rumah depan buat aku yang sekecil itu—dalam sense yang sama ga akan ada bedanya, ga akan ngaruh pendapat seorang bayi kalo dia mau milih lahir di Spanyol atau India. So why would I cry that afternoon, still a mystery even for a twenty year old me now.

Dan kadang-kadang aku mikir, sadar bahwa I feel like sometimes I experience that noon in a third person's perspective. Kaya aku liat aku sendiri nangis di atas tempat tidur itu. Weird and pointless to be told honestly but well why not kan.


How things are completely different now is something to be grateful of, but not necessarily what I'm going to write here rn. I miss things, alot of things. It feels good to have nice house, ga kebocoran pas ujan, ga dingin saat angin gede but if things didn’t happen we might still live in that house. 


a/n: well i finally write something? like yeay?

sureprise juga sih nulis sesuatu yang (akhirnya) bisa nyampe 1k word counted hahahah berharap lebih produktif bcs basically i have no life sejak liburan. disela-sela nonton drama korea sampe mabok sempat mikir: harus nulis sesuatu! *pake iket kepala dan buka file doc baru* ceritanya mau bikin prompt series yang diambil random di internet, entah fiksi atau non-fiksi. 

i hope i write something so soon in the future (cross fingered promise) till then bye! xo

Long time no see

/ April 06, 2016 /
this is just a flash update of my boring and pathetic life, since no one will read it anyway. i just noticed that this is the 4th month of 2016 and the last time I post something was like the about the time dinosaurs existed which was somewhere around august, '15. so... yeah?


i miss writing. really.

i really wanted to write something here. i always do. i have never forgotten the fact that i have this weird blog with the most idiot title. among the nagging my mom always said about how i wasted my "talents" (as if i have any lol what a joke) by doing nothing, i always think maybe i should just start somewhere and drop a post about a thing or two. who cares if it just a post about my little sister or about korean drama i just watched or about how do i diy my face and hair mask every saturday.

i really like to write and i want to write something actually worth to write about. it is such a pain seeing myself only able to write about my writers' block like.. that is not even a proper material to write about, let alone be my first post since eight months.

but whenever i tried to write about something (mostly fiction stuffs) even before i could reach about 500 words, i stopped. and this fucking annoying part of my brain started to tell me, "it's a trash, it's a trash."

sooo annoying,

i really miss those time where i just had something random popped out in my head and i was like, 'yeah, let's write about it.' really, i cringed so hard and face palmed myself when i read something i wrote from two or three years ago. actually, no, i cringed at everything i wrote whether it is yesterday or years ago. but something i miss about those cringy post is that i post it, i made it, i don't care who read it. i wrote for myself, just for fun. if people like it, it's a big bonus.

you know what? there's a saying that 'i'm busy' is an excuse. no matter who said it, when it is said, it's always an excuse. they said nobody is busy, it is just a matter of priority. sure, i have free time to spazz about kpop or making gifs (newest obsession aha! haha); i have time for doing my assignment for six hours a day (no kidding); i have infinite time for playing with my little cousin (bcs she is the most adorable little thing in the universe); but when it comes to writing, i always feel like i don't have time. even for a paragraph--for something nobody would read. i have personally been avoiding social medias like a plague (i begin to think those are cancerous) and this is the only place i often share my feelings or opinions about something but look how easy it is for me to abandon this place like it is nothing.

well this is just short rants. idk, let me know if you read until this point. xo!

Rekomendasi Film! (Dan Film Lain-lain)

/ Agustus 28, 2015 /
Semenjak dua minggu sakit, pekerjaan di rumah cuman tiduran, hadep kiri-hadep kanan, dan nonton film. Buat masalah film, aku lebih rewel daripada masalah novel :') sepuluh menit pertama itu saat kritis dimana aku lanjut nonton atau langsung stop film nya karena ga suka. Ini beberapa rekomendasi film berbagai genre aku (dan film-film lain heheh)

(Secara enggak penting) daftar rekomendasi ini dibagi jadi dua, Action dkk dan Romance dkk.

a/n (1): inget ya, bukan expert film jadi pengetahuan filmnya terbatas
a/n (2): inget ya, daftar film semuanya sebjektif, subjektif, SUBJEKTIF
a/n (3): recommend me more movies, folks! :)

Action, Sci-Fi, Horror, Thriller

1. Speed (1994)

If you love Speed, you're my bestfriend. Sumpah enggak bisa bilang seberapa seneng sama film ini. Keanu Reeves muda :( kenapa cakep banget. Action yang intens dan campuran sedikit romance, bikin film ini gemesin.
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